


As If The World Wasn't Ending

by firelord_zutara



Series: As If The World Wasn't Ending [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Cell Phones, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Needs A Hug, Forgiveness, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, Minor Wanda Maximoff/Vision, Moving On, Phone Calls & Telephones, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, angsty fic of doom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:31:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6945790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firelord_zutara/pseuds/firelord_zutara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He didn’t even have to ask, this time.  She just knew he would ask, because every time they’ve met up for the past four months, the only thing on Steve’s mind is Tony.</em>
</p><p>Or:  the one where Steve is ruined after Civil War, and it's Tony who's able to move on, and with a purpose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was based on [this post](http://tonystarktrash.tumblr.com/post/144434044125/oh-i-am-tired-of-the-small-desperate-sad-tony) on tumblr by [tonystarktrash](http://tonystarktrash.tumblr.com/), go check them out!
> 
> Title is from the song [As If The World Wasn't Ending](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcxZz4g6tKU) by Sonata Arctica
> 
> (Also for those of you who may be wondering, I haven't abandoned House of Memories, I've just been busy with AP testing and finalizing college stuff, but Civil War through me for such a loop and then this happened. But I will complete that fic! Might take 3 chapters instead of 2 but it will see the light of day, I promise!)

“Tony’s in Lagos today, helping oversee the hospital he’s having built.”

Steve nods, sipping his coffee without meeting Natasha’s eyes. He didn’t even have to ask, this time. She just knew he would ask, because every time they’ve met up for the past four months, the only thing on Steve’s mind is Tony.

“That’s good, it’s...it’s good that he’d doing that.” 

Natasha nods, her own drink untouched before her. “I’ll be there when it opens, to make another statement--”

“You know that I can’t”

She gives him a pointed look. “I’m not asking you too.”

Steve nods.

Natasha stirs sugar into her own drink. 

Steve’s mind drifts back to Tony, because of course it does, because what else would he think about, here in T’Challa’s palace of sorts, a place way too familiar to Stark Tower with all it’s sleek technology and modern, open floorplans.

The views are different, so that’s something.

Steve’s kept busy himself, of course. With Bucky under, he’s trying to focus all of his energy on finding a cure, finding a solution, finding _someone_ who can help him, who can reverse whatever the hell Hydra did to him. 

It feels like history is repeating itself, with how desperate Steve is to find a cure, the lengths he’s willing to go, and doesn’t that feel like an iron punch to the fucking gut.

But he has to, because he has to tell himself that the...Incident...was worth it, that it was worth it to get Bucky back, that it was worth it to treat his friends how he did, that it was worth it how he treated Tony--

Tony.

When he tries, and fails, to focus only on finding a cure, he thinks about Tony. Far too often.

It’s been four months, four months since the Incident that Steve refuses to call a war, because Steve’s been to war, lived through war, and this...this was not war. Not what war should be. 

Four months since he gave Tony the phone. Four months since he’s heard a word from Tony.

Well, a word from Tony himself. Thanks to Natasha, he knows what Tony’s been up too. Knows that he’s helping out that Parker kid, knows that he’s nearly perfected his assisted legs for Rhodes, and now knows that he’s helping fund and build a hospital in Lagos and equipping it with the latest Stark medical tech. To make up for a mistake that wasn’t his. 

And Steve knows Tony, he really does. Knows him better than he deserves, perhaps. He knows he’s not doing this to throw it in Steve’s face, that he’s not doing it as some publicity stunt. He knows he’s doing it because he _cares_ about those lives lost at the hands of the Avengers, knows that he’s still trying to make up for New York, for Sokovia. For the lives lost at the hands of his own weapons. 

He knows he’s trying to protect people. Because that’s what Tony does, that’s what Ultron really was meant to be. A protector to protect against something like New York from ever happening again.

If only he’d just _told_ Steve. Told him what he was trying to do, so he could help him do it right.

The irony is as bitter as blood across his tongue. 

So, no, Steve hasn’t heard from Tony, but Natasha did bring him his shield back after the first month. Just said that Tony knew it would be better with Steve.

Perhaps it was an olive branch, but perhaps Tony really didn’t have a use for a vibranium shield. 

“Steve?”

He looks up, meeting Natasha’s eyes for the first time that day.

“He’s doing good, you know. He’s better.”

Steve nods, again, because what else can he do but nod? What can he say? 

He’s happy for Tony, of course, but there’s another part of him, a darker, untouched part of him, that wonders it Tony lies awake at night, staring at that damn phone, praying that it will both ring and not ring at the same time. Does Tony miss Steve like Steve misses him, like a fucking ache in his goddamn chest, a hole full of regret, of guilt, of something maybe like a future, of something that they were maybe balancing on the edge of?

“Do you know how Pepper and him are doing? Are they…?”

Natasha cocks her head, raising a perfectly sculpted brow. “And why would you want to know that?”

Steve had never believed people when they told him the line between love and hate was wire thin. Not until now.

“He makes her happy. He deserves her.”

“You made him happy.”

“ _Dammit_ , ‘Tash!” Steve doesn't feel himself rise from his seat, but he suddenly finds himself backed against the grand windows, turning towards the vast scapes of jungle beneath him. “I...I don’t need to be reminded, you know...you know that I…”’

A gentle hand falls onto his shoulder, and he sighs into it. “I know, Steve, but you need to give him time.”

“It’s been _months_ \--”

“He watched his parents die, Steve. He watched his parents die, and knew that you knew, and didn't’ tell him. You need to give him time.”

Steve turns to her, a frown growing across his face. “He went after Bucky too, you know, you weren’t there, he--”

“ _Don’t_ tell me that he tried to kill Bucky. He tried to kill Bucky as much as you tried to kill Tony.”

Steve looks down, too much of a coward to meet her fiery gaze. Because she’s right, he knows she’s right. She’s right because they were all wrong, in their own way. They both could’ve acted differently, and he think that Tony understands that, too.

But Tony needs time. More time than Steve. Steve came out with what he wanted, Bucky safe with him. 

Tony came out with a fractured family, a family that he tried so hard to build up. 

And sure, Steve had felt like the Avengers were his family, too. But Tony…

Tony gave them a home. Gave Steve a home. And Steve threw it right back in his face.

Steve shakes his head, sliding his back down the window into a slump on the floor. Natasha follows in suit, leaning into his side. 

“I’m...I’m happy he’s doing good, I’m happy he’s keeping busy.”

“I know you are.”

“It’s good for him.”

“It is.”

“...Does he know that I’m here?”

Natasha turns to him. “I’m sure he suspects. He is a genius, as much as it doesn’t show sometimes.

“But I mean...did he track the phone? T’Challa told me he couldn’t, but…”

“But it’s Tony, yes, so I’m sure he could if he wanted to.”

Steve blinks. “If he wanted to?”

“I don’t think he wants to have a hold on your exact location. I think he wants his space.”

Of all the things, _that’s_ what makes Steve’s heart freeze over, his muscles seizing, fingers going numb. Tony didn’t want to know where he was. Tony didn’t want to find him.

Tony isn’t lying awake at night, wondering what Steve is up to. He’s not fretting over where Steve is. He’s not shuddering into his pillow, trying to remember how to breathe with memories that hang over him. 

Because Steve is. Every night, like clockwork he lies awake with a pounding head and a rasping heart. Another failed day, another day without a cure. Another day without a call. 

And he misses Tony like he had missed Bucky, but this is worse, somehow, because Bucky didn’t choose to leave him be, and Steve didn’t choose to push him away. 

He knows, he knows that they’re both at fault, that they’re all at fault in some way, but in that moment, with his aching heart pounding against the hole in his chest, all Steve can think is _my fault my fault it’s my fault he’s gone he’s not coming back guilt guiltguiltguilt my fault i should’ve told him i should’veshould’veshould’ve_

“--eve, Steve!” 

He’s clutching at Natasha now, sobbing dry sobs into her chest, because what else can he do? What can he do, knowing that Tony is getting on fine without him, while Steve can’t fucking breathe because his lungs were so crushed by the guilt in the hole in his chest? 

_It wasn't worth it_

Later that day, when Steve has grasped onto some form of coherence, Natasha turns to him before she steps into the elevator that’ll take her back to the quinjet. 

“He loves you too, you know,” she tells him. “He’ll come around, he just needs time.” 

Steve wishes he could believe her. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so this entire series was just meant to be a one shot, but then I started writing more, and made a sequel. However, now looking back onto it I believe the entire story should just be one single story, instead of a series, as it flows better that way. So this chapter is exactly the same as what's in Chapter 1 of Part 2 of this series, but I'll continue updating the story on here instead. So if you've already read Part 2 and have subscribed to that story, I would ask that you just subscribe to this one, as everything will be continued on here from now on. Thank you!!

(Please read the chapter notes, thank you!)

“I’m leaving for Lagos today.”

Steve turns toward T’Challa, who’s poised at the door frame of Steve’s bedroom. The King is dressed formally, a suit made of cloth, not of vibranium. 

It’s expensive, he can tell. Similar to the ones Tony always wears. 

Mentally shaking the thought from his head, Steve nods. “Travel safely.” 

T’Challa only continues to stare at him, making Steve’s skin itch. He has no idea what the other man is thinking. He opened his home to Steve, along with the rest of the Avengers who had nowhere to go, until this whole issue...Incident..is sorted out. If it ever will be.

Steve isn’t used to this. Ever since he stepped into that metal coffin and came out a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier, he’s been in the eye of the media, one way or another. And it was fine, is fine, to an extent. But this? Having to hide, having to operate in complete secrecy, knowing that the government is breathing down his back? He wishes things were different.

He knows that if he had just signed the damned thing, things would be different, but that doesn’t mean anything would be better. 

Well...that’s not true. He knows some things would be different, and he hopes that other things would be better. 

But outside of that, outside of his own, personal hang ups, he knows that instead of him being persecuted, it would just be him being controlled. Either operate against the law and do what needs to be done, or be on the side of the government, and have the decision making ripped from him.

Right?

“Captain.”

Steve blinks, pulling himself from his thoughts. T’Challa hasn’t moved, eyes still boring into him.

“You know you can call him.”

Steve reels. He knows exactly who T’Challa is talking about, but the mention of it shocks him. “What?”

“The phone I gave you. It’s not one way. You can call him.”

The way he says it is almost patronizing, but Steve knows that it’s not. He’s just...trying to help.

Steve sighs, rising from the edge of the bed. “Are you going to see him today?”

“Of course.” 

T’Challa is donating some of his own medical tech to the hospital. He wasn’t on Steve’s side of the...Incident, so his contribution, and presence, is welcome. It comes with gratitude and grace, Steve is sure.

If the public knew that the king of Wakanda was housing multiple fugitives, Steve is also sure the public’s reaction to T’Challa’s donations would be a bit different.

“Just think about it, Captain.”

It isn’t until T’Challa is gone that Steve realizes he’s clutching the little, black phone in his hand.

\-----

Steve considers it, he really does. He wants to ask someone, too, if it’s the right thing to do. If it’s even worth it.

The first person that comes to mind is Natasha, but he hasn’t seen her in a few weeks, since her last visit, since Steve...admitted to a weakness he tries not to show so openly in front of others. He doesn’t have her number, because she’s still, technically, on the other side of all of this. She shows up when she needs to, or she contacts him on a burner phone. 

He knows he can’t ask Wanda because that would just be...not right, he feels. He could ask Sam, sure, maybe, but he knows that Sam is still just as peeved at Tony as Clint is.

Well...maybe that’s not true. They’ve all had a lot of time to recover since the Incident, and really think about what they all did, really think through it all. Sam was furious once Steve and Bucky had returned from Siberia, but once Steve had explained everything to Sam, he was...more understanding, in a way. Just as Steve had been.

Clint was still outwardly mad, but Steve had a suspicion that it was just a cover to mask his guilt. Steve asked Clint for a favor, and if he had said no, Steve would’ve moved on. But Clint did come, on his own free will, and as much as Clint wants to blame Tony for getting locked up, Steve knows that Clint understood what he was getting himself into. What he was risking. 

What they were all risking.

Perhaps he should talk to Wanda. Perhaps she would understand, considering what happened between her and Vision.

Maybe she would, maybe not. Maybe it wasn’t the same. Steve should talk to her at least, but…

But.

That would make this real. That would make his desperation real. He knows what happened with Natasha, but that feels...like a lapse in his psyche. Like a misstep. Knowingly admitting to someone how he feels about Tony, admitting to his guilt...that would make everything too real.

So instead, he goes to India. Sam comes with him, but Wanda stays back in Wakanda. Steve had gotten a tip about a neuroscientist that works with some odd, nearly forgotten form of hypnosis. 

It was a stretch, a thin, thin stretch, but if whoever this man was could potentially help Bucky, then Steve had to try.

When he comes back a week later, his lead a bust, Natasha is there waiting for him.

“Any luck?” She asks, a smirk playing on her face that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

Steve shakes his head. “How was Lagos?”

What he wants to say is _How was Tony?_ but he has a feeling Natasha knows anyway.

“He’s good, Steve. He really is.”

The words slice at him, a bitter ring in his ears, but he simply nods. 

“He game me something. For you. T’Challa just told me to put it in your room.”

At that, Steve is left speechless. He thinks back to the day that Tony had wordlessly returned his shield, and how much of a shock it had been. That day, though, Steve had been expecting what the gift was when Natasha told him that Tony had something for him. This? This was nothing but a mystery. 

Moving past Natasha, he nearly runs down the hallway to his room, thoughts rushing through him at a dizzying pace.

He swings open his door, and freezes. On his bed is a plastic crate, the _Stark Industries_ logo stenciled on in fresh, glistening paint. Even that is almost too much for Steve, seeing Tony’s name embellished before him. 

He remembers seeing the name light up the New York sky for the first time. Remembers thinking the building was ugly, obtrusive, unnecessary. But that was before...before everything.

He also remembers this feeling, this feeling of wanting to give it all, just to go back. To go back to his own time, back to Peggy, back to his old life.

But this time...this time...

“I haven’t opened it, and I won’t stay, if you want to be alone.” Natasha’s soft voice would’ve startled him, if he had been more inside his own head. But he’s just too overloaded with..with _everything_ , to be shocked by her sudden presence behind him.

He tries to regain himself, turns toward the Natasha, then to the box, then back to Natasha. “No...no you can stay. I’m sure it’s not…”

_Not anything worth being alone_ to see he finishes inside his own head, because really, what could it be? There’s no note, no letter attached. The box is big enough to contain some sort of gun, but what use would Steve have for a gun, and why would Tony send him one? The only other thing he can think of his some sort of new uniform, but even that is a stretch. 

He swallows. With shaky hands, his fingers unclasp the latches, and he pulls the cover back.

What he sees nestled inside the box nearly causes his knees to buckle. He steps back, hands clutching at his own face but it doesn’t feel like his own hands because how could it how could it he can’t believe can’t believe can’t believe it why would Tony do this how could Tony do this how could he have ever done all those things to Tony said all those things because Tony is just so. So. So so so sososososo.

An arm. Tony built Bucky an arm. 

It’s so so so utterly _Tony_ that it makes his chest ache and his eyes sting and his heart aches oh it aches it aches it aches because how could Steve ever think that he could ever would ever deserve Tony because Tony is a better man than Steve could ever hope to be and Steve never gave him enough credit not then now now not ever and Tony is just so so so everything that Steve ever wanted to be everything that Steve _wants_.

He’s not not crying, not screaming, not shouting. No, he’s just...staring. In shock. In disbelief. His head too full of it’s own noise for him to actually make any. He doesn't dare glance at Natasha, because he already knows what she’s thinking. That this is forgiveness. That this is Tony’s way of moving on, moving forward.

Maybe. Maybe not.

It’s seconds, minutes, hours later when Steve comes back to himself, is able to breathe, breathe without an ache in his chest, without fire in his lungs. Natasha is still there, staring at the...at the arm, _Bucky’s_ arm, a look on her face that Steve can’t quite decipher. 

He pulls the little, black phone out from his pocket. There’s only one contact in it. _TS_.

Fumbling at the too small keys, he manages to type out a single phrase.

_Thank you._

He hits send, and he breathes. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!!
> 
>  [My tumblr](http://tony-stark-has-a-heart.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  This fic [has a post on my tumblr](http://tony-stark-has-a-heart.tumblr.com/post/144822697715/as-if-the-world-wasnt-ending), I'd really appreciate it if you stopped by and gave it a reblog!


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